tali-ben.

I think Ben is getting adjusted to being home - or something. Rather, he’s in the process of getting adjusted to being home. I don’t even know what to call it,

Today was rough. I spent the better part of it wondering if he’s getting enough to eat, wondering what I’m doing wrong, wondering why he spits up, wondering why he won’t burp when I try to burp him. The thing is, I am taking everything so personally. I can’t help it.

Confession for today: I’ve been crying a lot because of all of the aforementioned worries. I’ve been a real treat to deal with today, I can assure you. Chris can attest to this. He just told me that this was the longest afternoon of his life.

I figure that I confess things every day so I’ll just have a ‘confession for today’ section for every entry.

In the past hour, Ben’s apnea monitor has gone off 4 times. It beeps until either he rights himself or we stimulate him enough in order to make him breathe. He’s never been blue when we get to him - he’s always pinkish. Usually the monitor’s alarm wakes him up and his breathing rights itself. This last time, I had to shake him a little. It’s a terrible feeling having to jostle your baby in order to make him breathe. We’d gotten used to not getting an apnea alarm. I’m bummed that we’ve had to get used to hearing it.

This is the part where I once again acknowledge how much we need, and appreciate, the monitor. I stand firm, though, in the fact that I have a love/hate relationship with it.

The picture above is the only thing that has made me laugh out loud today. Ben was really tired - he’d slept through a changing (the child has more poopy diapers than I thought a human could produce), and was sleeping while I tried to put his onesie on. I made Chris come and take a picture. It’s the little things.