I'm embarrassed. and I might be a loser.

But I'm a parent now, so not really. Well, kind of.

Okay, we've been over the fact that Ben loves Elmo. He really does. So imagine my secret delight when I passed a kiosk in the mall today that sells personalized Elmo cd's.

A kiosk. At the mall. I've never bought anything from a kiosk in the mall. I usually pick up the pace when I am walking by the kiosks, actually, because they're usually manned by strange men who want to know what hair products I use.

So I actually stopped at the kiosk. Embarrassing fact number 1. Number 2 happened when I asked the woman how much the cd's were. She suggested I listen to one of the tracks first (because the price is embarrassing fact number 3). So she inputs "benjamin" into the computer and starts playing a song personalized just for Ben.

When Ben heard Elmo say his name during "Elmo's World," his eyes lit up and he looked at me and he smiled. And my eyes teared up. Embarrassing fact number 4 is that I am a total nerd and apparently also a pushover. Because I bought the cd.

This is what it looks like, only don't call him Olivia, because that will just confuse him. Ben's copy has 'Benjamin' on it.

bruiser

No new pictures just yet, but Ben's all out of whack. He wakes up at 6am, ready to start the day, annoyed that we're not ready with him... He plays in his crib for a bit after I sing to him and put him back down. 15 minutes later he's wailing, 'where have you gone? i'm boooored! i want out!'

Ben has a scab on his lip, which is also a little swollen still, from his antics the other day on the hardwood floor. He also has a bruise on his cheek from headbutting his father. He has almost-bags under his eyes from resisting sleep. Like the Arcade Fire says, sleeping is giving in.

He's been napping for about 30 minutes already. I usually don't put him down for his morning nap until 10ish, but when you get up 2 hours early, you're ready for a nap earlier. Maybe he's making up for lost sleep.

***

Awhile back I posted a link to sweet|salty, and there's a link at right. She gave birth early, at 28 weeks, and writes so beautifully about her life, and the experiences she and her husband have had since. I encourage you to read her story from the beginning, but I was so excited to read that she and her husband were able to bring Ben home. I remember what it was like when we brought our Ben home. I was excited and terrified at the same time.

new ride.

I turned into That Parent today. Capital T, capital P. I don't know how it happened, or what came over me, but I became her.

(Allow me to reminisce for just a second, if you would. After all, I do hope to print these blog entries out for Ben one day, so I thought I'd write these memories down before I forget them. I promise I'll come full circle in the end.)

Chris' mom and my sisters-in-law threw me a baby shower on 8/26/06, a Saturday. What none of us could have known beforehand was that Ben was going to come on 8/23/06 - 7 weeks ahead of his due date.

I was discharged from the hospital 8/25, and was so sad, because Ben couldn't come home with us. I remember feeling guilty leaving the hospital without him. It was, without question , one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I told many people that it wasn't something I'd ever wish on anyone.

We decided to go ahead with the shower, because so much planning had gone into it, and especially because everyone knew how much I needed to get my mind off of everything. I remember being so thankful that things had a way of working out this way.

I remember pulling up to the house, and crying, because I saw this scene:

"it's a boy!" balloons on the front porch:


... and the cutest idea ever - a clothesline filled with onesies, bibs, burp cloths and socks... most of them preemie-sized. For Ben!


I can't really explain why I cried so hard (yes, I was weepy from hormones), except to say that I couldn't wait to get him home and put those clothes on him and hold him and get to know him. We had hoped for a son, and he was this close - but not yet ready to come home. My heart was literally hurting. And I was so thankful for all of these things for him. Just the night before we'd been at the hospital, where I was able to hold Benjamin for the first time. He was so small:


So, it was nice to have everyone around me at the shower, wishing us well and promising prayers for Benjamin. They were all patient with me and my puffy and sleep-deprived self, walking around slowly. Aunt Margie and Ashley took pictures while I opened gifts. I remember hoping that I didn't seem completely out of it. We were so appreciative for everything. Here, I cut the cake that reads, "Good Grief, Another Reif!"


And here I am opening a special book for Benjamin - and wearing the special NICU bracelet that Chris and I (and Ben) would wear for the next three weeks:


After all was said and done, it was a great day and I loved seeing everybody. I was overwhelmed and incredibly thankful. I remember sitting back and looking around and being grateful that all of those people - and countless others from my side of the family, and our friends - already loved Benjamin. It was a pretty cool feeling. Calming.

Benjamin has had this one toy in particular - given to him by the Hetheringtons - boxed up in the basement since I received it at his baby shower. He just became big enough to use it, and this is where my reminiscing comes full circle.


Do you see that cutie in the picture above? How can you not love him? How can I walk down the street pushing him in his little car, without beaming with pride? He's our son! And he's 10 months old! And 24 pounds! Look at him! And I know you think he's great, but guess what? His dad and I know how great he is.

So when I say I became That Parent today, I mean it. I made eye contact with people (normally I'm shy-ish), and smiled, and waited for them to tell me how cute he is. Everybody did, by the way. He made everyone smile. He even made friends with two old Italian guys who hold court in front of one of the houses down the street. And believe me when I tell you that they're usually a tough crowd.

This kid is fun to be with, and I'm just bursting with pride.

But enough about me. Thanks for listening to my diatribe.

Ben had fun, too. To prove it, here are some more pictures.